The Challenges of Raising Parents
If you are like most children, one day you find yourself in the middle of a mess. So, we are starting in the middle. Really, we don’t see the signs early on and suddenly one day maybe you visit after a period of not seeing your parent and shocked with what you find. It can also be the alarming call from the emergency room or ambulance as they are on the way to emergent care. From falls, strokes, heart attacks to dementia; when our parents who were the strong guiding force in your life suddenly take to needing your guidance and care.
The middle can be your parent or parents are in their late 60’s, maybe 70’s and for those who are more resilient, this occurs in the 80’-90’s. No matter when it happens it can be over whelming and trying to figure “what do I do now”?
These are the things your parents don’t teach you as you are growing up- how to raise them. A new adventure in life and lessons to be learned.
I lost my mother 10 years ago, and watched the scary signs of dementia creep into her life and change the person I knew my whole life.
We lost my father in law and soon after my mother in law, all in a years time.
Now, my dad, recently at 88 diagnosed with terminal cancer, I find that soon my husband and I will be orphans. Your parents have been there your whole life! They were the guiding ones who taught us right from wrong, how to ride a bike, drive a car, cook a family meal and be an adult. Suddenly, you find yourself with that person masked by an aging disease and wonder what happened?
As the holidays approach, I used to find this the time when families would come out of the wood work to seek my help and advice. Thanksgiving day as they visit in town, would stop by the assisted living and want to talk……NOW……in desperate need.
The beginning stage can go on for years and you ignore the minor changes and brush it off.
The house is not as clean or neat as it used to be
They wear the same clothes for a couple to several days in a row
The refrigerator is empty or worse many items in it are expired
The car……does it now have some small dents or scratches and Dad used to keep it so shiny clean and its DIRTY!
Messages on the answering machine from weeks ago
Really scary when you see the mail sitting and possibly bills not paid on time- now you have to step in.
Where to start your investigation? Wow now the questions really come to mind, when was the last time they saw the doctor, are they taking the medications correctly, what bills are not paid and hopefully they are not spending all their money on TV or phone scams. The worst part, “I was only coming for the weekend and I have to leave to go back to work on Monday”.
Whether it’s one parent alone or both still together, its’ time for a family meeting of the siblings and now intervention with parents. How do you approach the person who has always been the strong parent that told you “no” and now you have to reverse roles.
There are many steps you need to take and not wait another day. We would not leave a small child home alone and now your parent has reverted back to a child and you can not leave them alone.
With the difficult news to my dad and the cancer, mind you at 88, it’s a mindset adjustment. He does not see himself as elderly. Shoot I know people who are in the 90’s and saw others around them that were younger but they were old and the 90 year old was not.
Men tend to be worse at perception of ones’ self, no put down on men but it was explained to me by a college professor why:
Look in the bathroom in the medicine cabinet of a woman, you will find multiple brands and types of creams, make up, hair color, and more.
Look in a man’s cabinet and you will find; a razor, toothbrush and deodorant.
The woman sees herself as she changes and tries to hang on to the youthfulness and keep herself up. While a man looks every day in the mirror and sees the 20 year old even at 60.
To my Dad:
Age is a number. We count how many years we live, but do we really? Are we counting how many we actually LIVE?
Why don’t we count how many days or years we really live and appreciate things?
Why don’t we measure our lives by counting the blessings instead of our age? I bet the number would be greater.
Why do we put an age on milestones to complete inlife?
Age 5 read and tie your shoes
13, no longer a little kid but a big teenager
16, whoo hoo we get to drive a car
18, graduate from high school and become an adult
21, forget the adulthood, we can now drink alcohol legally
30, most of us hope to have a secure job, a marriage and start a family
62-65, retirement age.Well now social security it saying 67!Time to travel and enjoy the golden years
80 comes along, where has time gone?
90 if you make it, this is a milestone.Sometimes I wonder if it is a blessing milestone or not.
Age is a number that only measures the years on Earth.It does not measure how many days you smiled, felt good and blessed to be here.
Maybe, we should count how many times you stopped to enjoy the sunrise or sunset, how many times you took time to enjoy a blooming flower, listen to the birds chirp or noticed the smile on a childs face as they learn about the wonders of life.
Count how many times people smiled at you as you passed on the sidewalk and said hello.
Age is a number or how many years we are on this planet. Why do some stay until they are 80 or 90, even 100 and we celebrate! Others only stay until 30, 20, 15 or even 7?
Why are we not celebrating every day? Of course we want people to stay in our lives as many years as possible, but we are selfish. We do not like good byes, we like hellos.
So, don’t wait for the holidays to see your parents. Just because you call them weekly on the phone, you may not be seeing the real whole picture of their life as it is now. Don’t wait, don’t be afraid and I will continue here to help give guided tips of how to handle it now! Please, if you need advice sooner, reach out to me in an email. I have guided many families and been there myself on this journey or raising a parent. Boy do I have some entertaining stories I will share one day.